Your TARP Money At Work

It is bad enough knowing that our tax money is propping up banks. What is worse is seeing our tax money spent on bank TV commercials and websites telling us to come to the bank for advice on how to save and plan for the future.

What the hell do banks know about that?

The timing of these TV spots is incredibly bad. These days, many of us check the news daily to see if Citibank is broke and going out of business, if Bank of America is actually lending the TARP money we gave them, if Wells Fargo has bitten off more than it could chew by buying subprime monster Wachovia.

If US banks knew anything about planning for the future, we wouldn’t even be in the mess we’re in today. Based on what we have seen the last couple of years, a bank is the last place I would go for advice on saving, planning, or investing.

The following comedy material comes from the banks’ and insurance companies’ actual current websites after the recent debacles. (The websites pretty much reflect the content of the current related TV commercials.) Please finish whatever you’re drinking now as we take a look at some bank and insurance company websites and their hilarious attempts to serve as a clearinghouse for your financial advice needs. (Wouldn’t want you to snort milk or any carbonated beverages out of your nose.)

· “Knowledge is the key to any investment.” – Citibank (Pause for loud laugh here.)

· “Creating a budget can be done easily with pencil and paper, spreadsheets, or financial planning software. Look at your monthly income first, or how much money you receive each month.” – Bank of America (Good advice…did they follow it themselves?)

· On having a good credit rating: “Your score is negatively affected if you have paid bills late, had an account sent to collection, or declared bankruptcy. The more recent the problem, the lower your score -- a 30-day late payment today hurts more than a bankruptcy five years ago.” – Washington Mutual (Wonder what their FICO score is!)

· “AIG Retirement Services offers a wide variety of retirement products including mutual funds, combination, fixed, and variable annuities to meet your needs.” – AIG (Does anyone believe that AIG will even be there by the time we retire so they can “meet our needs”?)

· “Making suitable investment decisions can be tricky. “ – Wachovia (Just ask Wachovia's new owner, Wells Fargo!)

· On managing credit: “Can you reduce your payments and consolidate outstanding debt at the same time?” – Citibank (Question: can they?)

· On tax planning: “Sometimes a little knowledge makes a lot of difference in your return.” – Citibank (Stop it! You’re killing me!)

Is anyone stupid enough to consider these incompetents as experts at anything but begging for government money? Will anyone of this generation ever believe banks or insurance companies again? Will you?

Random Thoughts Scrawled on a Freeway Underpass

· When there’s a rain delay at the New York Mets new ballpark, Citi Field, will the announcers on TV be allowed to say that the groundskeepers are “putting the TARP on the field”? Hell, the TARP is not just covering the field, it’s paying for it.


· Why is it that the only people who aren’t smart enough to shop at Costco and Trader Joe’s are the people who need it the most?


· Speaking of the economy, why do those who can afford it the least spend the most on energy drinks, fancy coffee drinks, smoking, fast food, boozing, and dropping babies on the world?


· When CNBC’s Rick Santelli called people who defaulted on their mortgages “losers”, sorry Jon Stewart, he was right. His only mistake was not also biting the hand that feeds CNBC: cheerleading corporate bigwigs and the CNBC toadies who interviewed them and accepted virtually everything they said unchallenged. Turns out many of them were ignorant losers as well. Why is it so politically incorrect to tell the truth…that both average yahoos and conglomerates who borrow more money than they can ever hope to pay back to overpay for overvalued assets such as lousy tract homes and convoluted derivatives are immoral, irrational ignoramuses?


· Why does Showtime say that “Some HD programs are not available in Spanish”? Is that because they believe that Latinos can’t afford flat screens? Is that also why Univision isn’t in HD?


· If Salma Hayek were an illegal alien, would Lou Dobbs turn her in?


· Has anyone noticed how much the story of Lou Dobbs’s transformation from old-school financial reporter to shrieking maniac parallels the story of Howard Beale in the 1976 movie Network?


· What am I missing about NBC's Late Night host Jimmy Fallon? Don’t get me wrong, Jimmy is a genuinely nice guy. I am the first one to give anyone credit for getting great ratings, and he is getting them for sure. He deserves all the credit in the world for his early success. Yet here is a late night host with no edge...just that nervous flop sweat look, and comedy material as harmless and lame as any I have ever seen. If you like train wrecks as much as I do, look for the video of his interview with Robert DeNiro. Skincrawlingly awful. Why are so many people watching this show?


· The biggest talent TV news anchor Paul Moyer of KNBC/Los Angeles ever had was looking and sounding something like the more famous Tom Snyder when Snyder was on Channel 7 doing Eyewitless News back in the day. Does anyone believe Paul Moyer is “retiring” without a gun to his head? He makes over $3 million a year, his newscasts’ ratings stink, and this economy is so lousy that Channel 4 has taken to running infomercials during weekdays. I know that as a society, we are pretty damned dumb, but we’re not THAT dumb.